Under the Sun in the Empire of Rain
Buy this, Buy that... seriously do you think that buying stuff will really make you happy?
Girl 1 : Ahw you wear Nike?
Me: : Yes... i guess.
Girl 2 : But... everyone wears the Adidas Stan Smith right now in Paris... i mean... I am not saying that you should buy them... but i just don't understand why you wear black Nike when it is not the trend...
Girl 1 : It is not that we care what you are wearing but with these shoes you are out of the fashion trends...
Girls 2 : So people will misjudge you...
Me: Do you misjudge me cause i wear black shoes???
Girl 1: Uhm, at the beginning ... i mean, no, i don't, you know, I know you are cool... you are different, i mean, well, nowadays you know how it works...
Me: No please i don't enlighten me!
Girl 1: You have to follow the trends... because if you follow them people will look at you and respect you more somehow...
Me: Gimme me a sec, let me see if I got this straight:
Girl 1 : Sure!
Girl 2: (in chorus) of course!
Me: Someone decided that Adidas shoes are so cool, so everybody buy them. If I don't give a shit about that guy or that creepy-skinny-plasticized-old-lady who decided on a "whatever useless magazine" that is cool, you misjudge me why? because i don't buy they f******g shoes or because YOU think i don't have the money to buy that shoes? Where do you get this insane vision of reality? Is this why you spend all your wage salary to buy at 1500€ a bag which real costs is 50€? because you need to fit in what someone wants you to be in order to enter a so-called "I am the best" category ? Do you think this is real?
Girl 2: Ouch you are mean...
Me: Don't you listen? I am R-E-A-L-I-S-T-I-C
Girl 1: I know but i don't draw or write...
Me: This is nonsense! Do you think that trends makes you special?
Girl 1: Somehow... I feel better when i have my bag
Girl 2: What are you both talking about!
Girl 1: I feel bad now
Me: You should, you waste your freedom for a f*****g bag.
Girl 2 : Pff i made my boyfriend buy me the bag, i use all my money for the gym and the LPG
Me: Please girl 2 stop it that's even worse common'
Girl 1: That's why you can have both Girl 2! *smiling with hate*you are such a bitch!
Girl 2: My boyfriend loves me!
Me: "slave of the slave of the slave... Great!"
Girl 2: To be sincere, and I am never sincere... well it is the price to pay if he wants to stay with me
Girl 1: You mean he has to buy you things?
Girl 2: Of Course, expensive things, because I, I am an expensive girl. Dinners included of course.
Me: ...this is prostitution ! How can you say that!
Girl 2: How dare you call me that way?!
Me: Can we just go back and discuss my Nike shoes?
Girl 2 becomes all red and look at the other side, looking for a cigarette in the "famous expensive bag"
Long moment of silence
Me: this is non-sense. All of this is non-sense.
Girl 1: I feel so bad. World is cruel.
Girl 2: You put your shit together, that's how it works. I may be a slut after all, but I get what i want. Look at this bag. It's 4500€ and it is a limited collection. I asked for it. He bough me the bag.
Me: ... but... are you happy?
Girl 2: Yeah, I can't say I am not happy...
Me: No, I am asking: ARE YOU HAPPY?
Girl 1: I guess I am not...
Girl 2: .... I don't know. I am happy with my stuff but I'm not sure 100% ... i suppose something is missing.
Me: Yeah your soul is missing... Well I AM HAPPY with my shoes. I feel bad knowing I am wearing them when they have been made by poor people working for a euro a day. The day I bought them, i forgot from where they come from. When i wear them, and people look at me thinking that I'm not following a non-sense trend, i feel proud. I'd rather be with those who made my shoes than the one advertising them and thinking only about their benefits. So can i keep my old black shoes please?
Girl 1 nods silently
Girl 2 ends her cigarette and looks straight in my eyes: I was thinking... I'd have sold my soul out for a bigger dressing if I could. And I am ok with it. Look at you. Look at me. You are cute, but nobody turns back to stare at your beauty in the street. No good make-up, bad clothing. You have white hair! at 30 you poor thing... People look at me and want to be like me, or go out with me. While you were killing yourself on all your books, I got my degree cheating, making other people doing my work. I am a manager now in an important company, i fuck my boss and i got 3 promotions in one year and I earn now 3 times as you earn. My boyfriend is rich. You... nobody reads your stuff, your paintings look great.. you are a f*****g genius, but let's be R-E-A-L-I-S-T-I-C: your integrity and sincere care about the world made you an outsider. You are sensitive to everything and emphatic to make me vomit. Where did this get you? NOWHERE. We all use your humanity against you. And it is funny to see you suffering. And you know what? I can't stand you. You have nothing compared to me and you are fucking happy. What are you smiling for? I don't get you. How can you be happier than i am? You can't be more happy than me.
I guess I could have said many things to Girl 2, but i felt not to. It was like throwing little coins of hope in a big, empty and dark hole. She got away before me and Girl 1 told me she did not know if she wanted to be like Girl 2.
Girl 1: She scared me.
Me: Because she knows what she wants.
Girl 1: I think she uses me...
Me: I suppose so.
Girl 1: Why you said nothing and you smiled at the end?
Me: Because i pity her, and I am sad for her. Really.
Girl 1: Are you really happier than her?
Me: I have no clue. Happiness cannot be compared. Happiness is not something that you buy, or pre-order. It is not a limited collection. It is something i feel anchored deep down, in the middle of my lungs, and in my stomach. It is kind of a strange touch, linked to a so called "soul" that i cannot describe but i feel it is inside my flesh and bones. Of course I am sad because when i was younger i saw myself as a painter and writer, but I have hope and willpower. And even if my job eats hours and hours of my freedom, I know every step i take is the result of my culture, my integrity, my patience. That there must be something else. Somewhere. Somehow someone similar to me will recognize an ally in this zombie-world for which we have to find a cure. You ask me if I am happier because you want to know who you should follow?
Girl 1: Maybe...
Me: Then just follow yourself. Girl 2 nor I will show you the way. Just be yourself.
Girl 1: Your shoes are not to bad in the end...
I Hope that Girl 1 will find her way...